I edit beaucoup d’entries every day…here are five issues that come up all the time.

1. since vs. because: since is temporal/refers to a starting point.

Since starting my job, I’ve deleted 30,403 accounts.

If it’s cause and effect, use “because” instead.

Since Because I’m too lazy to go myself, I’ll bribe someone to buy coffee.

It should be noted that I interchanged “since” and “because” for many moons, but  my editor in college headbutted me until I understood. Kidding. Vaguely.

2. “should/could/would of”

Should have. End of story. I had a friend who write “I should of done xyz” and “I was sapost to”. Facepalm.

3. Mixed modifiers

Mike is a guy with a pet turtle who works at Barnes and Noble.

Mike, is a guy with a pet turtle, who works at Barnes and Noble.

4. “I proceeded to do xyz”

You sound like you are testifying on Judge Judy when you say you proceeded to do anything. You went on to do this. Better yet, you did this.

I think sometimes people stick “proceeded to” in sentences to denote steps in a process or to make it sound more arduous than whatever the situation actually required.

“Proceeded to” can actually work if it doesn’t precede a verb. Example:

With my climbing prowess and sheer determination, I proceeded to the next stage of Ninja Warrior.
not
I proceeded to punch Marjorie in the throat.

5. “me and my boyfriend went xyz”

PROTIP: take out the rest of the phrase and see if it still makes sense.

wrong: She invited my boyfriend and I to the circus.
right: She invited me and my boyfriend to the circus.

okay, I think that’s it. ty4yt

Grammatically speaking, what messes you up when you’re writing? I still get lay and lie confused.

A little over a year ago, I started sending nonsensical emails to people while I was half-asleep and would not remember sending them. I found this article while surfing today and was a little relieved to hear that I’m not the only one who has sleep-emailed before.

“We believe writing an email after turning the computer on, connecting to the Internet and remembering the password displayed by our patient is novel. To our knowledge this type of complex behaviour requiring coordinated movements has not been reported before in sleepwalking. She was shocked when she saw these emails, as she did not recall writing them. She did not have any history of night terr­ors or sleepwalking as a child.”

Although it’s more meant for people who email under the influence, Mail Goggles on my Gmail is pretty useful for people who would otherwise be inclined to send messages like this one I sent to Matt:

anyway, re: your chats, Y OU CAN NOT! i don’t know how i didn’t get that message before!; it showed up in my gmail 8 hours later – comme c’est charmant.

anyway, 50 fun points for not using “since” – i saw hesitation! i saw it so much. and 303894923 fun points for cheap discounts!!!!!!!!! i want one.

also, suck it, buckeyes. this is topical. they were apparently playing horribly tonight and lost by a pretty significant amount. [whatever the opposite of "clear" is] eyes, sweater vests, can lose. i am such a card.

So apparently I can speak French, cite catchphrases from Survivor Sucks, misquote Friday Night Lights and make parenthetical references to Jim Tressel in my sleep.

I think this means I spend too much time on the internet. Evench I won’t even sleep – I’ll just email all night.

the other day my roommate was talking to her boyfriend on the phone about what they were going to eat for dinner that night. she recommended an establishment and said that they could eat there because they had bar pies.

lolwat? turns out bar pies refer to…[you might want to guess here before the cut; speak now or forever hold your peace]… Continue reading →

nothing says happy v-day like tons of spam.

please drop me a line here with the usernames spamming you and i will kill them for you. i am like cupid but digital and much more lethal.

p.s. i came to starbucks with the intention to edit datingish posts for tomorrow and monday and whammy, look at what happened instead. HOW CAN I ENJOY MY GRANDE SKIM MISTO AT THIS RATE?!

edit: i think i’ve gotten them all for the time being but i’ll keep checking/deleting spam accounts as long as you name them.

edit #2: okay, i’m going home (it’s 3:30) – message me or text me (i think three of you have my number, right?) if anything happens.

edit #3: was away from my computer all day yesterday so jon and janet are to thank for deleting the rest of these grr-inducing spammers.

edit #4: dan had that person’s website shut down. go team!

I have three checks left . . . and that’s it! I went online through my bank’s site to reorder them and found out that I can get some pretty hilarious stuff printed on all of my checks free of charge. Behold (and click to enlarge):

I think I’m going to do “Horses are My Life” because it’s not true and, therefore, is fantastic. The capitalization is also wrong and I think that’s funny.

It’s free. Nobody looks at checks – I think my landlord probably just writes “X” on the back to endorse it and cashes it.

What do your checks look like? Which inscription should I get?

edit: ok fine I did Horses… and once they arrive, you better bet I will either take a picture of it or send you a check for .04 so you can behold its majesty